If you’re like me, you’ve probably looked up into the stars and said to yourself “Man, I wish I could hot box a space suit and wander around the universe looking for weird alien life forms to do it with“. Unfortunately our dream will have to wait. But you know who can probably help us on this journey? All those crazy gods that’s who. But which ones are cool and which ones are too weird to hang out with? Well today I break it down for you folks. Here are 5 gods that you should definitely have a bong with.

5. Zeus

Zeus, in all his glory.

Being king of the gods has its perks. For one you can hang your junk out in the open while hungry eagles confusingly stare at it. Second, you can get any girl you want. Zeus has impregnated 16 goddesses and 28 mortals most likely while he was high. What other reason would you have to turn into a bull and do it with some mortal hussy?

4. Ganesha

You can’t help but look at that trunk and think “that would make a sweet bong”. And you know with Ganesha around, there’s bound to be entertainment.

3. Jesus

You know Jesus is one bad *bleep*fucker. Riding into town with his 12 apostles. Raping and pillaging everything in sight. Well in my version anyway. How much of a pothead was Jesus? Well I heard that once Mary Magdalene went to go visit Jesus but he wasn’t there. All she saw was an empty tomb and a bong. Turns out he had a ‘wake and bake’ and wandered into town looking for munchies.

2. Buddha

Ya we know Buddha’s not a god. But if I saw a giant golden fat guy fall from the sky with a basket full of weed, I’d worship him. And what do you know anyway? You’re just some asshole on the computer. Besides, its a well known fact that fat guys are real party animals and you know you’ll have a good time rubbing that belly.

1. God, Father, Jehovah, Yahweh, Almighty, Allah

Call him what you will but he knows how to get high and rock hard. Just think about it, God made all the stars and galaxies and shiny things just to amuse himself while high. And I’m sure he was stoned while making a bunch of other things too. How do you explain the platypus? What does God like to do when he’s high you ask? Like any aging hippie, God loves jamming to Hendrix’s “Little Wing“. Watch below as God fades in from the stars, lays down some string and fade out. Leaving you feeling both violated yet… satisfied at the same time.